fuck magic.

I have a serious issue with magicians. I don't like them. But why?, you ask, magic is so innocuous, so entertaining! Well, for starters, they are cheesy as fuck. Exhibit A, on the right. Yes guy, you truly look powerful summoning the properties of water and fire and your pleather pants to mystically suspend your lady friend over your head. Look at that smug look of achievement and confidence; he really looks convinced that he has in fact been endowed with supreme magical powers.

Which leads me to one of my main issues with magicians, which is that they are inherently fradulent. There is no real "magic" happening - it's all tricks and deception! To me, they are the equivalent of trumped up carnies, and I think we already know where I stand on that issue. They're grifters masquerading as entertainment. I just have a problem with the guy who is like, you know what? I want to earn my living through trickery. Shady, people.

This new generation of celebrity-magicians is equally distressing. Criss Angel (yes, he spells his name "Criss") and Satan incarnate, David Blaine. I hear they have beef too, like they are rival magic-trick-performing gang members. You're magicians! Do you understand how lame that is?? Do you think you are Tupac and Biggie? You make things "levitate" and put playing cards inside of car windows. Not the same.

Holding your breath underwater or living in an aqua-sphere for a week is not magic. No sir, that is what carnies call a "freakshow". Now here is what really pisses me off. So immediately after David Blaine completes his fantastical accomplishment of living underwater for a week, he collapses and must be rushed to the hospital where a team of doctors and nurses must now attend to his ailing internal organs. So here are medical staff and resources being used on some idiot who decided to give being a merman a try, taking time and attention away from people with actual, serious medical conditions. David Blaine, you are an idiot.

My coworker John swears my belief system is all wrong. In fact, he asserts that women LOVE magicians. He claims that if David Blaine came-a-courting, I would be all about it. Of course, as outlined above, this does not hold true in my case, and I would sooner go out with an aspiring actor. But I still just don't buy it! Ladies? Do you agree? Some cheesy guy comes up to you at a bar with a card trick, does this impress you?? I am inclined to disagree, but perhaps I am in the minority... varying viewpoints, anyone? Please, enlighten me, though I will not be easily convinced. And in the meantime, a message to would-be magicians everywhere: do everyone a favor, leave the magic to Harry Potter.