Offensive Auto Roundup

As I was trekking my way down I-5 in the 8 HOURS it ended up taking me from NorCal to LA, I had the opportunity to observe some prime examples of automaking at its most hideous.

Here, in no particular order, are some cars that should no longer be allowed on the road.

1. The Honda Element. My friend Natty, visiting from Argentina, saw one in a parking lot. She was shocked. "What is that?? It looks like a fridge!" Seriously, now. Why would anyone want to drive a box? [Close relative: the also-boxy Toyota Scion.]

2. The PT Cruiser. It looks like a British black cab met a hearse and had a baby and tried to pass it off as something new, but at the same time, "retro!" Ooh, baby boomers loooove the PT Cruiser! Its so nostalgic! Nostalgia for what? A time of ugly cars? Sick. It's so ugly, it hurts my eyes to look at it for too long. The worst is that eggplant purple that seems to complement the hideousness of the body so well. People who drive this make me angry. It's like they are a cult of jukebox-listening, sock-hopping freaks who are relishing the idea that they are part of an exclusive hot rod club. They are probably listening to Buddy Holly as they drive.

3. The Aztec. Pontiac made this SUV and I have never forgiven them. I used to drive a Grand Am, so its not like I have no love for the Pontiac, but I was apalled, I repeat, apalled, that the Aztec passed all the requisite car-making greenlights to get designed, manufactured, and sold on the free market. But more appalling, and certainly more distressing, is that fact that somewhere, someone thought to themselves, "hm, I'm going to buy a new car today." And came home with an Aztec. For shame.

4. Hummers. Of any make/model. I'm sorry, but nothing screams "inconsiderate, self-important prick" like these 11-miles to the gallon monstrosities. Why the fuck would anyone need a military-grade vehicle for their everyday life in suburbia? Moms, you don't need an all-terrain army vehicle to drop the kids off at their 0800 soccer tournament. And can we talk about the fact that they are ugly? This is only enhanced when their idiotic owners make creative choices like bright emergency yellow.

Holiday treats

OK, can we talk about the fact that over the past couple weeks, approximately 1 metric ton of cookies, cakes, muffins, tarts, cupcakes, caramel popcorn, candy, brownies, pies, christmas-tree-shaped rice krispie treats, and various other assorted fatmaking treats have been delivered to my office and subsequently found their way into my stomach. Literally, the sweets and crap are overflowing out of the JB kitchen and into reception. While I know I really shouldn't complain about the deliciousness of all of these generous goodies, I am beginning to feel a bit like Gretel walking into the JB Gingerbread House each morning to go to work. I just get tubbier and tubbier and basically wait for my inevitable fate to be basted, thrown in the oven, and served up for dinner.

What can I do to prevent this?? Self-control? PLEASE. Any of you the least bit acquainted with the HJ know the whole "self-control" option effectually phased itself out after freshman year in the dorms. I believe "hedonism" is the word. Some have gone so far as to liken my eating habits to that of a goldfish. A goldfish, for those not familiar, will continue to eat if there is food in front of it, without stopping, to the point that it could ostensibly eat itself to death. I fear that my goldfish-eating tendencies are reaching critical mass. Clearly, relying on the strength of my self-control isn't going to do shit.

So, excercise right? This morning I actually woke up at 7am and took a 30-minute jog around the neighborhood! Great, right? I also ate some chocolate-orange cake, a cookie, and a piece of chocolate, all before lunch. I would have to run a 10k each morning to work off what I eat in the course of a day in the office.

So, maybe when I leave the office and go home for the holidays there will be some relief from all of this food madness? Oh no. Think again, my friend. I am going home to visit my parents, specifically, my MOM. Who, while admitting I am getting a bit "softer" as of late, will feed me to the point that I can eat no more. We will eat. A lot. Which is, honestly, the most fantastic thing I could ask for. I love food, right! My mom makes the best lasagna, we go to Chinatown for dim sum, lunch up in wine country... are you kidding?? It's going to be the best!

Until suddenly, it's January. The food drunk has worn off. And my jeans no longer fit.

Fuck.

Fire up the oven; Hansel - I'm not going to make it.

Hey ya!

Hi Andre,
So, when you came into the office the other day, I felt like we had a moment. I mean, not that you don't have "moments" with people all the time, probably every day. But yes, I think we both felt that undeniable connection as you glided through the office, we locked eyes, and you peeked out from beneath your stylish cap.

I believe the only verbal culmination of all this was, "hi".

Wow, I mean, it was so sudden, I didn't really know how to respond! I mean, we come from such different worlds! Here you are, international superstar, hip hop phenom, burgeoning movie star, and here I am, behind a desk, lowly assistant, can't even afford to move to Venice and get a dog. But something happened the other day, you probably can't explain it, goodness knows I can't. But I think we both know that on some cosmic level it was meant to be. If only in that moment.

I'm sorry the harsh realities of our circumstances have to keep us apart, Andre, but sadly I think that is just the way the world works sometimes. Maybe in another life, this would have had a chance. But it just can't work, I'm sorry.

I hope you understand.

If however, you do not understand, and think we should face the odds no matter what, you can reach me at work between the hours of 9am to 8pm, or on my cell anytime you like.

Positivity!

When things inexplicably seem to suck, it is time to look on the bright side and be positive.

1) The email I received from JQBL today saying that Tim Farmer and his team of losers won the bowling league. Man, that pissed me off. Looking in the bright side, however, I am not bald, and I don't wear bowling shirts from 40 years ago and think I am the shit. For this I am grateful.

2) When someone you hate emails you, not a personal email, but a forwarded joke that is not even funny. I take solace in the fact that from all evidence, they still reside outside of the state, and still have an underdeveloped sense of humor. I am further glad that my humor is not impaired.

3) Christmas is upon us and I have to buy presents. Malls are full of crazy people. I thank the inventor of the internet and online shopping. Bless you.

4) I got a new cookbook today. Food is delicious. For this, I rejoice. OK, and the fact that I can afford food. That's good. I can afford food because I have a job. Having a job is really good, plus my boss just had a baby, so maybe more time will open up so I can actually cook something out of my new cookbook. Spectacular!

Wow, I really feel much better. If you like food too, and you are someone that I don't hate, I would be happy to make you something delicious that we could share. I think my landlord is fixing my fireplace. Ooh, look, #5! Fixed fireplace for the winter! So we could have a nice little fireside dinner. Would you like that?

Did I just turn my dismal day into a holiday dinner party invite? Why yes, I think I did. Hooray for positivity!

P.S. Don't cross me today, I am in a bad mood. For my pending dinner party you can bring wine.