Things I do not understand

It's been less than a week since I descended upon New York, and I already have so many questions about my strange new home! I thought perhaps some of you might be able to offer up some insight. Without further ado, I give you:

Things I do not understand since arriving in New York!

1. Mystery condensation
I'll be walking down the street, making my merry way through the city, and doing my best to look tough and menacing yet captivating and approachable. When out of nowhere - BLAM! - a droplet of water will find it's way to my head/face/person. I look up - no clouds, leaking faucets, waterfalls - and so I do NOT UNDERSTAND where this water is coming from! (And let's assume, for the sake of my emotional wellbeing, that this IS in fact, water - I'm better off not thinking about the alternatives...) My early theory was air conditioning units but this mysterious moisture seems to find me indoors, outdoors, underground while waiting for the subway, everywhere! If anyone has a non-disgusting explanation, I await your hypotheses.

2. Why more people don't shop at Kmart
Or maybe they do! And maybe I am the only one who has heretofore turned up her nose at Kmart. I've always been a proponent of Target. But let me riddle you this: what is the ONE thing Kmart has that Target, sadly, does not? Two words, friends: Martha. Stewart. I was wandering the streets of Manhattan yesterday in search of affordable home goods, and becoming increasingly discouraged. I needed plates! I needed a colander! And might I remind you, I have no job! In the most expensive city in America! Along trots Martha to the rescue. Let me say this: I am a little obsessed with my new plates. OK, a lot obsessed. But look at them! P.S., that's a light silver hue - yes, folks, they are shiny! But not too shiny!

3. How one Trader Joe's is meant to support the entirety of the New York metropolitan area.
Look, I can't tell you how overjoyed I am that you're here, but there's a reason your lines are like Disneyland's. Please expand.

4. How people function when it's raining.
This is likely a holdover from L.A., and unrelated to the aforementioned mystery condensation. But seriously, in L.A. at least we have a car to sit in when it rains like, 12 days a year. Since I've been here it's rained three times. It's August. So people in New York, what, just walk around in it?

5. Why I don't have any friends yet.
Right?? I KNOW.

6. My bathroom.
Not sure why I am paying 3x my previous rent yet must run the water for 15 minutes to get it up to "tepid". And I'm not quite sure where to store my hairdryer because there don't seem to be any spare precious inches for some sort of makeshift cabinet. I do kind of like that the only window faces a brick wall though, as that soundly eliminates the possibility of any peeping tom issue.

7. That Kevin Costner continues to make movies.
Nothing to do with New York. I've just never understood it.


Perhaps these questions will remain unanswered, or maybe they'll simply be forgotten as I come up with new, more compelling questions, like how to fit a sofa in my studio apartment. Either way, please enlighten me if you have the key to any of these enigmas.

Oh, this site still works?

Ah, well..... what can I say........ I like taking summers off? I know, I'm incorrigible!

OK, so that big secret, that I was waiting on, and then consequently you were waiting on? I'm sorry about leaving you hanging like that but now it's "all happening", and to get you up to speed:

• Heather has quit her job.
• Heather is moving to New York.
• Heather will be attending grad school at NYU.
  
• And apparently, for the purposes of this list, Heather has taken to referring to herself in the third person.

Yes folks - that math studying, the exploratory trip to New York, it was all a clever ploy on my part to get admitted to grad school! And it worked! I've already left Los Angeles, and am currently in a transitional residence (aka my parents') until next Tuesday, which marks The Big Move! So what am I doing instead of making sure I am ready and packed for The Big Move? Why, sharing my news with you, old internet pals! It's really the least I can do after my, erm, months of neglect. Which I already apologized for, so get off my case.

So the big news is that The Heathernet is going East Coast! And I won't have any income, which really shouldn't change things much with The Heathernet, unless someone wants to offer me a lucrative contract to ensure I post regularly. I think that would require some sort of advertising, right? Let's hear it for Mentos! The freshmaker.

Look out for updates from my adventures in NYC! I don't know a lot of people out there yet (read: I have no friends) which should leave me more time to spend with the likes of y'all!

Goodbye for now, golden state! I'll miss your sunshine and superior produce. Man, I love me some bear flag.

waiting sucks

Hi friends.

I recently discovered I have a problem with being patient. I have been waiting on the outcome of a potentially-life altering decision for weeks, and while I received some information to ease my mind last week, I am still waiting for the final verdict. It's not easy, waiting, contrary to what people like Nelson Mandela would have you believe.

But Heather, you say, I've been waiting for you to update this blog for almost two months!

Touché, faithful reader, but lo - you have been rewarded! Because isn't that what being patient is supposed to be all about? The big payoff? "Good things come to those who wait" and all that?

I tried looking up some resources online that would help me with the actual agony of waiting. Turns out a lot of famous old people had already confronted the challenge of being patient! I compiled their advice into one handy column. So without further ado, I proudly present:

PATIENCE THROUGH THE AGES!

Patience is the greatest of all virtues. - Cato the Elder (234 BC - 149 BC)

Wow. Really going back here.

Patience is the greatest? Well while you're busy being a cheerleader for patience, what about a little virtue I like to call "honesty"? Or "respectability"? And perhaps my personal favorite, "prudence"? Besides that, your little quotable does nothing to help me wait. Moving right along...

Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you. So in like manner you must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. - Leonardo da Vinci, Italian engineer, painter, & sculptor (1452 - 1519)

Uh, sure Leo, being patient is just like wearing clothes. For being the archetype for the "Renaissance Man" or "Universal Genius" that everyone says you are, I would have hoped for a little more from the likes of you.

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller (1880 - 1968)

Helen, I want to like you, and the whole overcoming adversity against all odds thing? Brilliant. But do you have to be such a downer? Think about the upside: if there were only joy in the world, then perhaps we wouldn't need to be brave or patient. Circular reasoning. Next.

You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience. - Stanislaw J. Lec (1909 - 1966)

1. Who are you?

2. Patience to have patience? Another logic-defying chicken-and-egg scenario which helps me none.

3. Nice headshot tho.

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher (1925 - )

Now this is what I'm talking about! Finally, somebody who knows what's up. I'm with you Maggie, you wily old bird.

So until the outcome of my potentially life-altering event shakes out, you and I will be waiting here with bated breath. Or maybe just me. Either way, hopefully I will be able to update you in the coming days on the status of My Entire Life.

An obituary, and other interesting tales

The criminal element has made itself known to me in 2008.

On a rainy night in early January, Loretta was struck in cold blood by an unidentified driver in an Oldsmobile Alero.

Well, not completely unidentified - sir, I got a good look at you and know that as soon as I have mastered the basic elements of ninja training, you will be the first object of my vengeance. (That is, after all, what we ninjas do, we avenge).

Officers arrived on the scene 20 minutes later. But the damage had been done. Loretta was later pronounced dead at J and J Auto Body Repair.

Loretta, as you motor on to the next world, I would like to thank you for always transporting me safely and stylishly to my various destinations. God bless.

So, one week after my car was totaled, I receive a phone call from my younger brother, debatably recent college grad, with this piece of news:

His car, a 1991 Toyota Camry, had been (wait for it)... STOLEN!

Yes, stolen. His 17-year-old car, plucked off the San Franciscan streets to feed some diabolical street gang's need for speed. One day he parked it outside his friends' apartment building; the next morning it was gone - no towing company or impound lot had any record of it - the car had simply vanished into the criminal underworld!

He posted this sign to aid the hunt for his vehicle. It must have helped, because a couple weeks later, his car was recovered! Complete with missing/altered parts and parking tickets! Stereo, gone. CDs, gone. They had even taken his cologne, those sweet-smelling bastards.

The best part about all of this was that while my brother and I were busy losing our cars, our parents were trying to vacation around various parts of Asia. They received the news about my accident via email, and had been so "terribly upset" that my brother didn't know how to tell them his car had been jacked just one week later. He was still contemplating how to sugarcoat the news, when my mom called to check in on affairs at the house.

He employed a strategy of talking quickly and since (I suspect) she was too stunned to respond, this seemed to work. He imagined mom surrounded by relatives, calmly trying to wrap her head around this latest development. She finally stopped him and said she had to go, but not before a final entreaty.

"Gordon?"
"Yes?"
"Find a job. It's time."

The latest is my brother has procured some fancy used Volvo at a local car auction since his old car is toast, while I'm still technically a pedestrian. To my knowledge, he also remains on the hunt for that ever-elusive paycheck. In the meantime, I've been renting, but that is not without its own headaches. [Apparently you need a credit card to rent a car?? Damn you and your discrimination against the validity of the Visa check card, Deluxe-Rent-A-Car!]

Anyway, this all makes me very glad I've taken up ninja training, as I clearly have a lot to contend with in gangland, what with drunk and/or uninsured drivers and thieves of low-quality autos.

resolution time

I am really excited for 2008. The last time I was anticipating a new year this much was probably back at the end of 2004. My pal Mary and I both made a pact to really take advantage of all that 2005 had to offer - and perhaps it was this positive frame of mind, but in my estimation, we succeeded! 2005 was a banner year. 2006 was eh, just ok, and 2007 has been an all too valuable "rebuilding year". But what I'd really like is to enjoy the results of some of those refurbishing efforts and have a spectacular, super fantastic 2008 to look forward to!

That being said, I present, my resolutions. At least, those fit for publication online.

1. Become a ninja. [Lest you think I presume to become a ninja in one year, step one is kickboxing class. I would, however, like to keep the ultimate goal - namely, ninjaship - in mind]. Enjoy your last moments of complacency before I am a trained killing machine.



2. Improve my foreign language skills. I can either build upon my high school Spanish or my rudimentary French, consisting of Christmas carols my grade school made us sing in 4th grade en français.



3. Go somewhere new and/or foreign. Live in solitude and focus on being creative.



4. Stop saying "I don't know". Not entirely, but I rely on it all too much. Sometimes I do know.



5. Run a marathon. wait, WHAT!? OK, this never would have made it on my resolution lists in years past, but while I was in New York and on my way to the airport, I saw the proud, beaming faces of the marathon participants. Some of these people were pushing 80 years old! I said to myself, hey, I want to feel like that, and I'm only pushing 28! If not now, when?



6. Have a glass of champagne. This may take a wee bit longer, but know that I am working on it.
   

'08 is already off to an auspicious start. I spent New Year's Eve at the Mars Volta show in SF with Schmen, where we both dressed up as flappers! It was fantastic. In other good news, I've got all sorts of gift cards from the holidays eagerly awaiting redemption!

I close with a little tip for y'all: My path to ninjadom begins Tuesday. This will be your only warning.