That Guy

Flying blows.

Last night on my way home from SF, I was smushed into a middle seat on a completely full-flight between two strangers circa 10:30 pm. Not ideal, but fine. I can deal. What I was not prepared for, however, was what would ensue.

One row behind me, and one seat over by the aisle, would soon be seated: That Guy.

That Guy struts down the center aisle of the plane talking on his cellphone at about 10 decibels above the customarily acceptable "inside voice". Every captive passenger along his path has no choice but to hear his entire conversation, comprised mainly of him reveling in how trashed he is at this exact moment. He has a trucker hat on. I check my calendar; it is 2007.

After the flight attended informed That Guy that he couldn't use his phone any longer, he got acquainted with his neighbors, the people seated directly behind me. He would not stop for a breath of air until... well, I am not sure when he stopped for air because he was still going strong when I got off the plane in LA. Without the benefit of earphones during takeoff and landing, my brain was exposed to a dangerously unhealthy amount of TG's ramblings.

Some of my favorite quotes from the flight:

"I'm an actor, but my main focus is saving animals and shit"

"I'm on Entourage next week - you should watch!"

"Watch me on Entourage next week!"

"Do you get HBO?"

"So I paid the cab driver ten bucks to smoke weed in the cab. And that's why I don't have any now, because we smoked it all, so I'm like, fuck it, I'll fly home. But I haven't flown in like, 7 years because you can't bring pot on the plane. I got in trouble for that the last time I flew, and they were like, gnarly. And I only had a quarter, you know? I didn't think it was a big deal because it was like, 'dude, it's a quarter'. But I remember when people used to just RAGE on the plane, smoke, get fucked up, nobody gave a fuck"*

"I think she's so hot. I'm going to talk to her when we land. Like, 'hey, I think you're really pretty, I'm really bummed we didn't get to talk more on the flight...'" Re: the stewardess

Stewardess: "Please place your tray tables down if you would like beverage service."
*LOUD BANG*
[apparently TG's tray is now down]
TG: "Hahahaha. She said to put my tray down, fuck yeah I want a drink!"

"Hey, are you guys on MySpace?"

"How old are you? Do you guys rage? I bet you just rage!"

"I love you guys. No, really, you saved me, I was a mess. I love you."

Air travel has become untenable. With the delays at security, carry-on restrictions (I bid farewell to my $40 facewash because I was late to the airport and couldn't check my bag), the crowds, the ever-diminishing legroom, threats of terrorism, crying children, and That Guy, is there no more peace?

I miss my friendly skies.

*Because he would not stop talking, I later learned that my fellow passenger was 31 years old, 4 years older than me. That would have made him all of 13 at the height of the 80's, when smoking was banned from commercial flights. And already: an enviable rage-aholic! Party on!