C is for Cookie

I had P.F. Chang's for lunch the other day. Whereupon, I realized. I have a gripe with fortune cookies. First of all, let's get this out of the way: are they delicious? Would I eat them if not for the promise of a mystical fortune inside? My verdict: nay. Without the potential for getting a glimpse into my future, I would much rather opt for some version of dessert that is actually palatable, like say, a lemon bar, or banana cream pie. Not a dry cookie with the consistency of compressed wood. And would it kill the fortune cookie people to mix up the flavor? I don't even know what to call that. Nilla Wafer lite? What benefit do I have in eating this? It is neither healthy nor delicious. What does the cookie part of the fortune cookie do for me?? Nothing.

So, as explicated above, we've concluded that the cookie part of the fortune cookie is essentially worthless. We're getting somewhere! Stop bitching, crack the thing open, take the fortune, leave the cookie. Done. Well, that's all fine and good, but sometime long ago in my youth, someone once informed me that in order for your fortune to come true, you have to eat the entire thing. You leave a crumb, your fortune is void. I still have no idea what they had to gain from this sadistic piece of advice.

So I eat the cookie. For the fortune. And here in lies my real problem with fortune cookies.

My fortune reads:

"You have an open heart of love and acceptance."

Well that's fucking delightful, but where is the fortune in that? This tells me nothing! I mean, that's great about my open heart and all, but what is this telling me? I don't ask for fortune cookies giving me compliments. I don't want to know that I am a person of wisdom and principle. I want to know the future!!

I eat the cookie anyway. I don't want my lame fortune to be renegged and all of a sudden for my heart to become closed-minded and prejudiced. Stupid cookie. I'm annoyed. Emily, my coworker, notices, and gets me another fortune cookie and one for herself. Hers is equally disappointing:

"He who hurries can not walk with dignity."

Thanks for the tip, cookie. Thanks for proffering this important piece of "life advice". Again, if I wanted advice, I would turn to Ann Landers. Know your role! You exist to tell me the future!

I open my second cookie.

"You will make extensive travels and find great prosperity."

Now this is what I'm talking about! Yes! I get to go on a trip AND I get untold riches? I like this fortune. All fortunes should be like this. And it can be bad news too, as long as its like a "heads up". Like, "Be wary of a mysterious gift at this time" or "Call in sick for work tomorrow". I like those too. Because they are fortunes. And now, when I receive said ominous gift, I will know what kind of action to take!

So, in conclusion, I say this to you, fortune cookies. If you would like to improve your status in the cookie and general dessert realm, then I suggest you take heed and follow this fortune. A little more clairvoyance, a little less moralizing, and we should get along fine.