So. It's been a while.

Hi there. Oh, remember me? Yes, we've been estranged for quite some time.

But I have something for you. Something I think you might like?


Go ahead.

Click above.

See how I've spent the last three years of intense grad school in a competitive MBA/MFA program at a top tier university.

Years of study. Concluding in the above link.

And yes, I am looking for a job.

Things I do not understand

It's been less than a week since I descended upon New York, and I already have so many questions about my strange new home! I thought perhaps some of you might be able to offer up some insight. Without further ado, I give you:

Things I do not understand since arriving in New York!

1. Mystery condensation
I'll be walking down the street, making my merry way through the city, and doing my best to look tough and menacing yet captivating and approachable. When out of nowhere - BLAM! - a droplet of water will find it's way to my head/face/person. I look up - no clouds, leaking faucets, waterfalls - and so I do NOT UNDERSTAND where this water is coming from! (And let's assume, for the sake of my emotional wellbeing, that this IS in fact, water - I'm better off not thinking about the alternatives...) My early theory was air conditioning units but this mysterious moisture seems to find me indoors, outdoors, underground while waiting for the subway, everywhere! If anyone has a non-disgusting explanation, I await your hypotheses.

2. Why more people don't shop at Kmart
Or maybe they do! And maybe I am the only one who has heretofore turned up her nose at Kmart. I've always been a proponent of Target. But let me riddle you this: what is the ONE thing Kmart has that Target, sadly, does not? Two words, friends: Martha. Stewart. I was wandering the streets of Manhattan yesterday in search of affordable home goods, and becoming increasingly discouraged. I needed plates! I needed a colander! And might I remind you, I have no job! In the most expensive city in America! Along trots Martha to the rescue. Let me say this: I am a little obsessed with my new plates. OK, a lot obsessed. But look at them! P.S., that's a light silver hue - yes, folks, they are shiny! But not too shiny!

3. How one Trader Joe's is meant to support the entirety of the New York metropolitan area.
Look, I can't tell you how overjoyed I am that you're here, but there's a reason your lines are like Disneyland's. Please expand.

4. How people function when it's raining.
This is likely a holdover from L.A., and unrelated to the aforementioned mystery condensation. But seriously, in L.A. at least we have a car to sit in when it rains like, 12 days a year. Since I've been here it's rained three times. It's August. So people in New York, what, just walk around in it?

5. Why I don't have any friends yet.
Right?? I KNOW.

6. My bathroom.
Not sure why I am paying 3x my previous rent yet must run the water for 15 minutes to get it up to "tepid". And I'm not quite sure where to store my hairdryer because there don't seem to be any spare precious inches for some sort of makeshift cabinet. I do kind of like that the only window faces a brick wall though, as that soundly eliminates the possibility of any peeping tom issue.

7. That Kevin Costner continues to make movies.
Nothing to do with New York. I've just never understood it.


Perhaps these questions will remain unanswered, or maybe they'll simply be forgotten as I come up with new, more compelling questions, like how to fit a sofa in my studio apartment. Either way, please enlighten me if you have the key to any of these enigmas.

Oh, this site still works?

Ah, well..... what can I say........ I like taking summers off? I know, I'm incorrigible!

OK, so that big secret, that I was waiting on, and then consequently you were waiting on? I'm sorry about leaving you hanging like that but now it's "all happening", and to get you up to speed:

• Heather has quit her job.
• Heather is moving to New York.
• Heather will be attending grad school at NYU.
  
• And apparently, for the purposes of this list, Heather has taken to referring to herself in the third person.

Yes folks - that math studying, the exploratory trip to New York, it was all a clever ploy on my part to get admitted to grad school! And it worked! I've already left Los Angeles, and am currently in a transitional residence (aka my parents') until next Tuesday, which marks The Big Move! So what am I doing instead of making sure I am ready and packed for The Big Move? Why, sharing my news with you, old internet pals! It's really the least I can do after my, erm, months of neglect. Which I already apologized for, so get off my case.

So the big news is that The Heathernet is going East Coast! And I won't have any income, which really shouldn't change things much with The Heathernet, unless someone wants to offer me a lucrative contract to ensure I post regularly. I think that would require some sort of advertising, right? Let's hear it for Mentos! The freshmaker.

Look out for updates from my adventures in NYC! I don't know a lot of people out there yet (read: I have no friends) which should leave me more time to spend with the likes of y'all!

Goodbye for now, golden state! I'll miss your sunshine and superior produce. Man, I love me some bear flag.

waiting sucks

Hi friends.

I recently discovered I have a problem with being patient. I have been waiting on the outcome of a potentially-life altering decision for weeks, and while I received some information to ease my mind last week, I am still waiting for the final verdict. It's not easy, waiting, contrary to what people like Nelson Mandela would have you believe.

But Heather, you say, I've been waiting for you to update this blog for almost two months!

Touché, faithful reader, but lo - you have been rewarded! Because isn't that what being patient is supposed to be all about? The big payoff? "Good things come to those who wait" and all that?

I tried looking up some resources online that would help me with the actual agony of waiting. Turns out a lot of famous old people had already confronted the challenge of being patient! I compiled their advice into one handy column. So without further ado, I proudly present:

PATIENCE THROUGH THE AGES!

Patience is the greatest of all virtues. - Cato the Elder (234 BC - 149 BC)

Wow. Really going back here.

Patience is the greatest? Well while you're busy being a cheerleader for patience, what about a little virtue I like to call "honesty"? Or "respectability"? And perhaps my personal favorite, "prudence"? Besides that, your little quotable does nothing to help me wait. Moving right along...

Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you. So in like manner you must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. - Leonardo da Vinci, Italian engineer, painter, & sculptor (1452 - 1519)

Uh, sure Leo, being patient is just like wearing clothes. For being the archetype for the "Renaissance Man" or "Universal Genius" that everyone says you are, I would have hoped for a little more from the likes of you.

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller (1880 - 1968)

Helen, I want to like you, and the whole overcoming adversity against all odds thing? Brilliant. But do you have to be such a downer? Think about the upside: if there were only joy in the world, then perhaps we wouldn't need to be brave or patient. Circular reasoning. Next.

You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience. - Stanislaw J. Lec (1909 - 1966)

1. Who are you?

2. Patience to have patience? Another logic-defying chicken-and-egg scenario which helps me none.

3. Nice headshot tho.

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher (1925 - )

Now this is what I'm talking about! Finally, somebody who knows what's up. I'm with you Maggie, you wily old bird.

So until the outcome of my potentially life-altering event shakes out, you and I will be waiting here with bated breath. Or maybe just me. Either way, hopefully I will be able to update you in the coming days on the status of My Entire Life.

An obituary, and other interesting tales

The criminal element has made itself known to me in 2008.

On a rainy night in early January, Loretta was struck in cold blood by an unidentified driver in an Oldsmobile Alero.

Well, not completely unidentified - sir, I got a good look at you and know that as soon as I have mastered the basic elements of ninja training, you will be the first object of my vengeance. (That is, after all, what we ninjas do, we avenge).

Officers arrived on the scene 20 minutes later. But the damage had been done. Loretta was later pronounced dead at J and J Auto Body Repair.

Loretta, as you motor on to the next world, I would like to thank you for always transporting me safely and stylishly to my various destinations. God bless.

So, one week after my car was totaled, I receive a phone call from my younger brother, debatably recent college grad, with this piece of news:

His car, a 1991 Toyota Camry, had been (wait for it)... STOLEN!

Yes, stolen. His 17-year-old car, plucked off the San Franciscan streets to feed some diabolical street gang's need for speed. One day he parked it outside his friends' apartment building; the next morning it was gone - no towing company or impound lot had any record of it - the car had simply vanished into the criminal underworld!

He posted this sign to aid the hunt for his vehicle. It must have helped, because a couple weeks later, his car was recovered! Complete with missing/altered parts and parking tickets! Stereo, gone. CDs, gone. They had even taken his cologne, those sweet-smelling bastards.

The best part about all of this was that while my brother and I were busy losing our cars, our parents were trying to vacation around various parts of Asia. They received the news about my accident via email, and had been so "terribly upset" that my brother didn't know how to tell them his car had been jacked just one week later. He was still contemplating how to sugarcoat the news, when my mom called to check in on affairs at the house.

He employed a strategy of talking quickly and since (I suspect) she was too stunned to respond, this seemed to work. He imagined mom surrounded by relatives, calmly trying to wrap her head around this latest development. She finally stopped him and said she had to go, but not before a final entreaty.

"Gordon?"
"Yes?"
"Find a job. It's time."

The latest is my brother has procured some fancy used Volvo at a local car auction since his old car is toast, while I'm still technically a pedestrian. To my knowledge, he also remains on the hunt for that ever-elusive paycheck. In the meantime, I've been renting, but that is not without its own headaches. [Apparently you need a credit card to rent a car?? Damn you and your discrimination against the validity of the Visa check card, Deluxe-Rent-A-Car!]

Anyway, this all makes me very glad I've taken up ninja training, as I clearly have a lot to contend with in gangland, what with drunk and/or uninsured drivers and thieves of low-quality autos.

resolution time

I am really excited for 2008. The last time I was anticipating a new year this much was probably back at the end of 2004. My pal Mary and I both made a pact to really take advantage of all that 2005 had to offer - and perhaps it was this positive frame of mind, but in my estimation, we succeeded! 2005 was a banner year. 2006 was eh, just ok, and 2007 has been an all too valuable "rebuilding year". But what I'd really like is to enjoy the results of some of those refurbishing efforts and have a spectacular, super fantastic 2008 to look forward to!

That being said, I present, my resolutions. At least, those fit for publication online.

1. Become a ninja. [Lest you think I presume to become a ninja in one year, step one is kickboxing class. I would, however, like to keep the ultimate goal - namely, ninjaship - in mind]. Enjoy your last moments of complacency before I am a trained killing machine.



2. Improve my foreign language skills. I can either build upon my high school Spanish or my rudimentary French, consisting of Christmas carols my grade school made us sing in 4th grade en français.



3. Go somewhere new and/or foreign. Live in solitude and focus on being creative.



4. Stop saying "I don't know". Not entirely, but I rely on it all too much. Sometimes I do know.



5. Run a marathon. wait, WHAT!? OK, this never would have made it on my resolution lists in years past, but while I was in New York and on my way to the airport, I saw the proud, beaming faces of the marathon participants. Some of these people were pushing 80 years old! I said to myself, hey, I want to feel like that, and I'm only pushing 28! If not now, when?



6. Have a glass of champagne. This may take a wee bit longer, but know that I am working on it.
   

'08 is already off to an auspicious start. I spent New Year's Eve at the Mars Volta show in SF with Schmen, where we both dressed up as flappers! It was fantastic. In other good news, I've got all sorts of gift cards from the holidays eagerly awaiting redemption!

I close with a little tip for y'all: My path to ninjadom begins Tuesday. This will be your only warning.

Art.

I made a short film!

That makes it sound like I crafted this thing by myself, which is in fact, not the case. I had the help and support of roughly 7 hardy volunteers, who sacrificed their weekend (and in some cases, much more) to help me create: Art.

What is this Art, you ask?

Well, I can only allude to it's magic, for to explain it in full here would only serve to diminish its value - as Art (obviously).

But just so you aren't totally in the dark, here are some visual clues:

+

=

Last night I had some people over to view the finished product. Needless to say, the audience was astounded by the cinematic tour-de-force packed into the 12 minutes that was my short. Not to mention I plied them with wine and osso buco to get them "receptive". Sometimes Art appreciation requires a little coaxing.

I bet you had no idea that my first foray into fillmmaking and Art would be so successful! Well, neither did I, but you can't control Art, it controls you! Yet another nugget of insight you might want to sock away for later...

Does Heather Spend Thanksgiving Alone??

As promised, the blog that takes on the question only The Heathernet dared to ask: DOES HEATHER SPEND THANKSGIVING ALONE??

no. She does not.

I'll stop talking in 3rd person now. And how about correct tense, Thanksgiving was Thursday.

While I did not get to spend Thanksgiving with my family, I was not crying by myself into my turkey platter at Marie Callender's, thanks to the kindness of some lovely friends on the eastside. Before you go getting the Marie Callender's people all up in arms, allow me a quick sidebar: Do not cry for Marie Callender's - they were not hurting for business over the past weekend's holiday. To the contrary, when my roommate called to inquire about coming in, they informed her that all of their reservations were full. While I am, by all accounts, a notorious food snob... RESERVATIONS?? Am I the last person shocked by anything anymore?

I called home to extend greetings to the family just as my Dad was eating some uni, a Japanese delicacy that I won't get into too much detail about here, but a) it's delicious (trust me on this), and b) obviously not a Thanksgiving staple and therefore absent from my own celebration. Pretty sure he told me to ensure I wouldn't miss Christmas. Then I got passed around to every respective member of my family, amid loud background noise and shuffling. Each conversation went something like:

"Hi Heather! Happy Thanksgiving!"

"Happy Thanksgiving, Auntie ____!"

"We miss you!"

"I miss you too!...OK bye!"

Innocuous enough, I suppose, but multiply that out by about 15 in as many minutes. Cousins, aunts, uncles, family friends. I guess I should be grateful for being missed at all. Isn't that the whole point of Thanksgiving in the first place? Man alive, I am still a brat.

Anyway, my own Thanksgiving was still quite lovely. And the important thing, I managed to be somewhat productive, still working on that secret "time machine". Now to buckle down and finish up, so no more blogs until I defeat the laws of physics!

See you in the future, chumps!

On New York

Hi gang,
I thought y'all might appreciate some updates, rather than be left to assume I had died in some horrific Times Square shoppers' massacre (why do I always imagine you suppose the worst...?) Not to fear, I survived the frozen tundra of NYC and am back in somewhat overcast Los Angeles. I had a super time in New York, and I wanted to take the opportunity to share some of my insights from the trip.

But first, a quick note on Virgin America.

Have any of you seen the movie Soul Plane? Now, this is a terrible movie, one that I might never have seen had I not been working for the studio that was responsible for it, MGM. In it, Snoop Dogg of gin-and-juice fame navigates a purple plane with rims and an onboard hip hop club. When I boarded Virgin America - soft purple mood lighting, light electro jazz, personal entertainment stations - I got sort of the same vibe. I felt like I was on Prince's private jet nonstop to Erotic City. But here's the thing: I loved it. The purple lighting was far superior to the harsh florescent tones of normal commercial planes and the whole atmosphere totally mellowed me out for my sleepytime redeye. Also, as passengers boarded the plane, I observed that everyone who got on the flight appeared to be incredibly good looking! Was this an illusion due to the purple lighting, or are Virgin passengers just subject to photo approval? Either way, big fan.

So, on to New York! OK, first trip, remember? So for those of you are like me and waited 27 years to visit, here is what you are in for: NEW YORK IS CRAZY! That's all I could determine during the first 24 hours. It's just...... crazy! There are so many people, there is so much going all, its all close together, and busy and there are always people all the time everywhere nonstop crazy crazy loco crazy! It took at least a day for me to process it. I've been to a lot of big cities, Paris, London, Bangkok, but the only place that really kindof compares is Tokyo and even then its like, not the same at all. I spent a lot of time just trying to comprehend it - in some ways it felt like travelling to another planet. I would be on the subway just watching people: "so... that's a New Yorker". In turn, they played their part by ignoring me, which kind of started to make me feel like maybe I fit in...

The other thing I did a lot of in New York was walking. There is a popular misconception that people in LA don't walk; that we all drive around in our cars to go a couple blocks and that even gyms have valet. OK, so this is actually not so much a misconception as it is an indisputable fact. Without Loretta, I'm basically immobile. So I was delighted to regain the use of my legs in NY, ambulating with ease throughout the city sans auto. Yes, my feet were tired, but I think it was one of those "good tireds".

I did not take as many pictures during my trip as I would have liked. In fact, I only really took photos when I was in Central Park. Half of these were of squirrels. [note on photo: the photos of squirrels that I did capture weren't even that stellar. Hence, this photo, which I borrowed from elsewhere on the interweb]. Dude - even the squirrels in New York are crazy! They were everywhere, jumping around, crawling around in the dirt, eating twigs. But somehow, crazier than our mellow squirrels here in California. Or maybe the cold was making me delirious...

It was very cold. That's not doing it justice: cold that somehow found its way past my layers of shirts and sweaters and jackets to my skeletal system. I am not built for cold. I have long spindly arms that long sleeves don't cover. My self-led tour of Central Park ended abruptly when I lost feeling in my hands and had to leave to purchase gloves. I walked to Times Square, to see what all the fuss was about, which was the height of craziness: gazillions of tourists (did I count as one? dammit!), groups of angry protesters, mentally unstable street vendors. I ducked into The Gap to buy gloves and make a phone call before bracing myself to face the throngs of people outside. Then I promptly got myself lost on the subway. Local versus express?? Why don't they label these things?!

Other highlights: I met up with my old bowling teammate in Soho, watched some bands play at a bar in the East Village, ate pizza, bought boots, enjoyed a drink at the top of the Hudson Hotel, went to dinner in the West Village, had brunch with a bunch of ladies... Things I did not do: see the Statue of Liberty, scale the Empire State Building, eat a hot dog, go to a museum, hold hands with anyone but myself. But, I suppose its good to leave some things for next time. All in all, I think the trip was a success, my first venture into the big city. Finally!

Upcoming blog topics: Heather creates Art, and, Does Heather spend Thanksgiving alone? Tune in, I'm trying to get the ol' reliability factor up.....

would you accept, summer break?

Faithful readers!

According to my records, it would appear the last time I logged an entry in the ol' Heathernet would be sometime around.... oh, what does that say, July? Yes. I have been neglectful. My own unannounced summer vacation, I suppose. But what I'm certainly not here to do, is beg for your forgiveness, or deign to offer a litany of excuses attempting to explain my long absence. I don't have to justify the actions of The Heathernet! I don't have to answer to you!

OK, fine, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. But seriously? It's been really busy. Other things have been occupying the precious space in my mind, such as:

1. Hello? Bowling! A charitable bowling league does not run itself! There are forms to be filled out, playoff brackets to be organized, needy charities to be paid... contrary to popular belief, there is more to being a bowling commissioner than just glitz and glamour. A lot more. But the season is over now, so we can all proceed with our everyday lives until next season. (Jan. '08 people: the time to work on your roll is now!)


2. I moved! No, not to Venice, but to another delightful area within walking distance to bakeries and museums and concert venues and other nice things. It's a little less rent and lot more heart - think West Side Story meets Home Alone. Actually, neither of those are really accurate representations...


3. I've been studying math. Friday nights, Saturdays, basically anytime anyone else was doing anything fun. Oh, so much math. My review was comprised of: basic arithmetic functions, word problems, algebra, geometry - all your old friends from junior high and beyond! Improper fractions! Quadratic equations! My motive? I think I'll let you draw your own conclusions... (menacing laughter)


4. Fires. Have you read the news? Yeah, the fires haven't really affected me at all personally. But it all makes for a nasty commute - yet another reason there were delays posting to The Heathernet!

I could go on and on, but as I said, this really is not the time nor the place to go over excuses for my lapse over the past few months. Oh, AND I am helping plan my dad's surprise 70th birthday this weekend (don't worry, he's not a Heathernet reader), AND I am going to New York the weekend after that, so yeah, like I said - busy. Anyway, what's important is: we're all here now, The Heathernet is back in fall production, and hopefully we can pick up with the same high standard of quality where we left off: with blogs like this!

Coming Attractions: Heather blogs about her impending first trip to New York(!)
Includes such highlights as: Heather gets mugged and run over by a yellow cab!

If it wasn't for bacon...

...lettuce and tomato would try to pass themselves off as sufficient sandwich filling. Not on my watch!

...pigs would run overrun our cities and urban centers like giant flightless pigeons

...what would dogs have to look forward to?

...I could be a vegetarian (ok, this one's a stretch)

...I would probably have flung myself out the window today. I may still, but the bacon at least staved off immediate death.
I'm having an unhappy, bad mood, everything-is-no-good day. Lest you think The Heathernet is all sunshine and rainbows and bowling, news flash people: it most certainly is not. It's a reflection of LIFE, and that means dealing with the harsh reality that sometimes that means shittiness. Deal with it!

Thankfully, today's crap-awfulness was mitigated by the helpful presence of bacon.

The delicious, greasy, crispy bacon that found it's way into my sandwich also nuzzled its way into my heart. Bacon: you are a marvel. Dejected as I was, the fatty bacon molecules somehow reached the happiness receptors in my brain, at least enough to keep me from running screaming from the building. Today.

I do think it's important to remember what simple things can keep your spirits up when you are feeling down. In this particular case, my BLTA. As fun as it can be to wallow (and I mean fun in the most self-pitying of ways), I don't know that it does anything to solve whatever issues ye be plagued by. Bah. Yeah, I know that in my mind, but right now wallowing seems like the best way to occupy my time.

Buuuut, I suppose it does no good to sit alone pouting in my misery. Heavy Sigh. Is that going to help me get where I want to be? No. So until then, happiness via bacon or whatever other little joys there are will have to be enough to sustain me through this harrowing time. Being grateful for the positive things in life.

Like the fact that LA is not beset by wild boars.

It's BACON!!!!!!!!!!!

4th! 4th! 4th!

Go 'merica!

I thought that perhaps after announcing my dual-citizenship, or posting this entry comparing one great American President to one not-so-awesome current Head Chief in Charge, some Heathernet patrons might find this blog to be inflammatory, or even unpatriotic. Well, this is simply not so! And to prove it, this blog entry is dedicated to things I Love About America:

• In 'n' Out Burger
• NPR
• hot dogs (just try eating them in a foreign country)
• modern plumbing
• labor laws (even if they're not always upheld *ahem* - having them around makes me feel a little better)
• I like the beach. I like mountains. I like greenspace.
• Thanksgiving! (duh)
• The freedom that allows me to watch whatever movies I want, to join a cult if I so choose, and write this blog.
• This commercial

Admittedly, I was initially bummed about the 4th's unfortunate midweek position this year. I get one measly day off and then have to turn right around and come back to work?! But - here is another way of looking at it: I have two two-day workweeks this week - and like, three weekends! Now that is what I call looking on the bright side! [Let's dismiss the fact that my nemeses in the TV department allegedly also get Thursday and Friday off...] Anyway, it's not the AMOUNT of time, but the QUALITY of the time, am I right?? Ehh, sure.....

In any case,

Happy Independence Day!

I am not dead yet... and bowling news

Man, from the last entry on the ol' Heathernet, my faithful following probably thought I had perished from my debilitating illness.....

NOT SO!

Because here I am, alive!

I mean, I am at work, so take from that what you will.

Sorry to have neglected The Heathernet, but I have been unfathomably busy. What with work, my social calendar, bowling...

Oh, what's that? Yes, you read right: BOWLING HAS BEGUN.

So far it is super fantastic! I mean, my team isn't winning per se, but since I am in charge of the league, I am really more focused on the greater good. Like making sure everyone pays up. Most people have, but it may be skull-cracking time pretty soon for those who haven't! (I may not even give those delinquent on payment a warning. Why not? Eh, well, I feel like maybe some leg-breaking practice might not be so bad for me.)

I mean, the importance of payment is not so much for me, as I have nothing personal to gain from the league except the envious glares from other, inferior-uniformed bowlers. It's for the children. Because while we are bowling for fun, our other focus will be helping impoverished kids and shit (to paraphrase a wise man).

In other bowling news, I need to step up my game. I think my high this season (and granted, its only been two weeks) is a 118. Fine for amateur status, but now that I am the commish? Time to get motherfucking serious: I need to link more strikes, pick up those spares! If anyone else can offer concrete advice, I'm all ears.

So, in conclusion: sighs of relief, all around, I am alive, and may we conquer our foes tonight on the lanes!

the illest

hi loyal Heathernet readers,

I'm sick. :(

This is my plaintive cry to all of you for pity and sympathy. Let the record show that through this debilitating illness, my first thought turned to you, dear patrons, and my blog.

I am congested. My throat is sore. I am feverish and weak. And through it all, here I am. Blogging for you.

Last night I had some Thai wonton soup. It was fantastic. The aromatic broth healed my spirit. Apparently it did little for my physical being. I feel like shite.

Oh, this blog is boring? Well f you then. I am sick.

Tho I suppose I am also delirious. I guess I could share with you some of my fever-induced delusions, and that might provide some entertainment. Last night I had a Nyquil fueled vision that I was in Paris, living in an apartment styled after an old French New Wave film and there was a revolution taking place outside my window. There were also cats in my new apartment. I am allergic to cats. One of them had an ear that was tore up and looked mangy. Feral? I decided they could stay. I thought, hm, I could probably take some allergy medicine to deal with these cats. My new life as a French revolutionary!

Does my dream mean that living in France is the same as being infirm? Ugh. Pray for me, readers...

O Flower of Scotland...

Exciting news!

I am an official U.K. citizen!

After years of delays due to paperwork, procrastination, red tape, bureaucracy, lost birth records, and questionable passport photos, The Heathernet goes British!

I found out a few years ago that even though I am American born, since my Dad is a Scotsman, I had the ability to apply for citizenship in the U.K., enabling me to live and work anywhere in the European Union. Yes, tiny Malta, this now includes you! So, I asked my Dad if we could look into this. This proved to be a long and arduous process, involving many forms, photocopies, and the retrieval of countless records, including my Dad's 1937 birth record from Crieff, the second largest city in Perthshire! (For those curious, picturesque Crieff boasts a population of almost 6000 people and has been a holiday destination since the Victorian Era!)

In any case, the point is that after two plus years of effort + waiting, I now possess the coveted BRITISH PASSPORT!

Besides being able to seek employment in hospitable European countries, here are some other things I can do now that I am under the Queen's rule:

• Write words with their "correct" English spelling: eg. neighbour, colour. Ditto for pronunciation. Aluminium! And, No more silent H for you, "herbs"!
• And along those lines, increased profanity vocab: Shite. Bugger. Arse. Wanker.
• Eat meat pies freely without enduring the damning judgment of others. I just like meat in pastry, ok??
• "Sorry boss, I can't finish that memo for you right now. It's tea time."
• Finally I can justify having a bagpiper at every special occasion! Future invitations will also encourage kilts.
• Sing lewd and rowdy rugby songs in the pub with my mates. Initiate/participate in bar fights as necessary.

I'm so excited about my new dual-citizenship status, I couldn't be more chuffed! (You see what I did there?) Fellow Britons, you can now count me among your brethren, you lucky people! Now to await the opportunity to utilise my new all-access-pass across the pond and beyond...

God save the Queen.

BOWLING BULLETIN!

The light of a new day is upon us.

The sleepy administration behind the timeworn Jesus Quintana Bowling League is retiring, and stepping up to fill their regulation shoes?

The New Bowling Initiative Coalition of Fun!

I mean, me! And my friends!

At last! We will be privvy to the inner workings of the bowling league and uncover the mysteries and conspiracies of days gone by! No longer will teams be allowed to sandbag their handicaps under the protection of a shady league office! We will be there, illuminating the lanes with our morally upright standards of righteousness! Finally, there will be high-fiving for all!

Team slots are filling up quickly. Our first game is in a few weeks. If you're a bowler, not a shifty-eyed cheater, and have 3 equally enthused pals predisposed to drinking and throwing heavy objects, then perhaps you would be interested in participating? Let me know.

Ah, the promise of a new day. The lanes look shinier already.

My Favorite President

PSYCH!

Hahaha, gotcha! Btw, in looking for photos to post for this intro "prank", I came across this photo, of President Bush and his wife participating in a colorful Malaria Awareness Day event in the Rose Garden:

Yeah.

I mean, not to make light of malaria, which is certainly a serious disease that warrants attention and funding, but... am I missing something? This is the leader of the free world. During wartime. Doesn't he have other shit he needs to be dealing with? Like, I don't know, the unending war in Iraq, global warming, guns in schools, the economy... and by the way, can someone explain to me how this little dance party is furthering efforts against malaria?

Sigh. By contrast, think of your favorite president. Maybe it's JFK. Maybe it's Abraham Lincoln. Now look at the photo above. Is this something your favorite president would be doing?

Which brings me to my actual favorite president, who would certainly not be caught messing around with conga drums while there was shit going down in America:

motherfucking THEODORE ROOSEVELT!

Now, this, this is the type of guy I want leading my country. Theodore Roosevelt is an undeniable badass. Oh, what's that? The Spanish-American War? Oh, I'm not just going to talk about it like some pansy-ass politician - I'm gathering up a group of volunteer soldiers, and we're all going down to Cuba to straighten shit out. Maybe you've heard of the Rough Riders? That was all TR. Probably the only group from the early 1900's to be adopted by the modern-day rap community.

TR was progressive for a Republican, and party members regarded him as a bit of a "loose cannon". But he was popular with The People; he was a war hero. The Republicans thought the best course of action would be to put him on McKinley's ticket as VP, where he could help drum up popular support but couldn't cause too much trouble. So McKinley got elected. And then McKinley got shot. So guess who that made our 26th president? In your face, stodgy 1900's political machinists!

As president, TR really took care of shit. His motto? "Talk softly and carry a big stick." Do you know what that means? It means, yeah motherfucker, I'm not going to threaten you per se, but I think you know and I know that I could totally kick your ass if I wanted to. So don't mess. Inherently, its actually a message of pacifism! Like, I'm not going to start the fight, but if you start one with me I'm going to finish it. What.

My man Teddy was a noted conservationist. Do you enjoy nature? Well guess who is responsible for instituting protection for some of our most treasured national resources? Damn straight, motherfucking TR. He protected more land (designating national parks and nature preserves) than all former U.S. presidents combined, to the tune of 194 million acres. Here he is in a photo with John Muir, first president of the Sierra Club. This was taken in Yosemite, where Muir invited Roosevelt to go on an extensive hiking tour. Thanks to TR and people like John Muir, we have maintained refuges away from places like the Beverly Center, and the 405 freeway.

Remember when you wanted to go from Boston to San Francisco via sea, but the only way to get there was to go ALL the way around the tip of South America? It took FOREVER! But then came a little innovation I like to call "The Panama Canal". And that's what they called it, The Panama Canal! What a brilliant solution! Thanks again, Theodore Roosevelt.

TR read a book a day. He wrote 40 books. He led cabinet members on long, fast-paced hikes. He won a Nobel Peace Prize. He was a teetotaler. He boxed in the state rooms of the White House. During one such boxing bout, he was permanently blinded in his left eye. After serving 8 years as president, he went on a year-long African safari. He was shot by some lunatic but survived - and not only did he give his scheduled speech immediately after just being shot, but the bullet remained in his body until his death. I mean, come ON. The guy was a machine!

And he cared, passionately, about doing good for his country. You may agree or disagree with the specifics of his politics, but this was a leader who genuinely wanted to put the people's interests first. He was engaged and interested in life. He was a great leader. And that's why he is my all-time favorite president. And that's why he's on Mount Rushmore (and you're not, Andrew Jackson, you Native American slaughtering prick).

I hope you enjoyed today's blog. I realize it is essentially a 5th grade history project with a couple cuss words for fun. But I never went to 5th grade. So there! Give it up for TR!

Loretta haikus

Please get better soon
I need you to pass the smog
five bills poorer; shit

No car is no fun
kindness of coworker pals
now I owe favors

Is Midas crooked?
Did they charge me too much scrill?
Note: learn about cars

C is for Cookie

I had P.F. Chang's for lunch the other day. Whereupon, I realized. I have a gripe with fortune cookies. First of all, let's get this out of the way: are they delicious? Would I eat them if not for the promise of a mystical fortune inside? My verdict: nay. Without the potential for getting a glimpse into my future, I would much rather opt for some version of dessert that is actually palatable, like say, a lemon bar, or banana cream pie. Not a dry cookie with the consistency of compressed wood. And would it kill the fortune cookie people to mix up the flavor? I don't even know what to call that. Nilla Wafer lite? What benefit do I have in eating this? It is neither healthy nor delicious. What does the cookie part of the fortune cookie do for me?? Nothing.

So, as explicated above, we've concluded that the cookie part of the fortune cookie is essentially worthless. We're getting somewhere! Stop bitching, crack the thing open, take the fortune, leave the cookie. Done. Well, that's all fine and good, but sometime long ago in my youth, someone once informed me that in order for your fortune to come true, you have to eat the entire thing. You leave a crumb, your fortune is void. I still have no idea what they had to gain from this sadistic piece of advice.

So I eat the cookie. For the fortune. And here in lies my real problem with fortune cookies.

My fortune reads:

"You have an open heart of love and acceptance."

Well that's fucking delightful, but where is the fortune in that? This tells me nothing! I mean, that's great about my open heart and all, but what is this telling me? I don't ask for fortune cookies giving me compliments. I don't want to know that I am a person of wisdom and principle. I want to know the future!!

I eat the cookie anyway. I don't want my lame fortune to be renegged and all of a sudden for my heart to become closed-minded and prejudiced. Stupid cookie. I'm annoyed. Emily, my coworker, notices, and gets me another fortune cookie and one for herself. Hers is equally disappointing:

"He who hurries can not walk with dignity."

Thanks for the tip, cookie. Thanks for proffering this important piece of "life advice". Again, if I wanted advice, I would turn to Ann Landers. Know your role! You exist to tell me the future!

I open my second cookie.

"You will make extensive travels and find great prosperity."

Now this is what I'm talking about! Yes! I get to go on a trip AND I get untold riches? I like this fortune. All fortunes should be like this. And it can be bad news too, as long as its like a "heads up". Like, "Be wary of a mysterious gift at this time" or "Call in sick for work tomorrow". I like those too. Because they are fortunes. And now, when I receive said ominous gift, I will know what kind of action to take!

So, in conclusion, I say this to you, fortune cookies. If you would like to improve your status in the cookie and general dessert realm, then I suggest you take heed and follow this fortune. A little more clairvoyance, a little less moralizing, and we should get along fine.

That Guy

Flying blows.

Last night on my way home from SF, I was smushed into a middle seat on a completely full-flight between two strangers circa 10:30 pm. Not ideal, but fine. I can deal. What I was not prepared for, however, was what would ensue.

One row behind me, and one seat over by the aisle, would soon be seated: That Guy.

That Guy struts down the center aisle of the plane talking on his cellphone at about 10 decibels above the customarily acceptable "inside voice". Every captive passenger along his path has no choice but to hear his entire conversation, comprised mainly of him reveling in how trashed he is at this exact moment. He has a trucker hat on. I check my calendar; it is 2007.

After the flight attended informed That Guy that he couldn't use his phone any longer, he got acquainted with his neighbors, the people seated directly behind me. He would not stop for a breath of air until... well, I am not sure when he stopped for air because he was still going strong when I got off the plane in LA. Without the benefit of earphones during takeoff and landing, my brain was exposed to a dangerously unhealthy amount of TG's ramblings.

Some of my favorite quotes from the flight:

"I'm an actor, but my main focus is saving animals and shit"

"I'm on Entourage next week - you should watch!"

"Watch me on Entourage next week!"

"Do you get HBO?"

"So I paid the cab driver ten bucks to smoke weed in the cab. And that's why I don't have any now, because we smoked it all, so I'm like, fuck it, I'll fly home. But I haven't flown in like, 7 years because you can't bring pot on the plane. I got in trouble for that the last time I flew, and they were like, gnarly. And I only had a quarter, you know? I didn't think it was a big deal because it was like, 'dude, it's a quarter'. But I remember when people used to just RAGE on the plane, smoke, get fucked up, nobody gave a fuck"*

"I think she's so hot. I'm going to talk to her when we land. Like, 'hey, I think you're really pretty, I'm really bummed we didn't get to talk more on the flight...'" Re: the stewardess

Stewardess: "Please place your tray tables down if you would like beverage service."
*LOUD BANG*
[apparently TG's tray is now down]
TG: "Hahahaha. She said to put my tray down, fuck yeah I want a drink!"

"Hey, are you guys on MySpace?"

"How old are you? Do you guys rage? I bet you just rage!"

"I love you guys. No, really, you saved me, I was a mess. I love you."

Air travel has become untenable. With the delays at security, carry-on restrictions (I bid farewell to my $40 facewash because I was late to the airport and couldn't check my bag), the crowds, the ever-diminishing legroom, threats of terrorism, crying children, and That Guy, is there no more peace?

I miss my friendly skies.

*Because he would not stop talking, I later learned that my fellow passenger was 31 years old, 4 years older than me. That would have made him all of 13 at the height of the 80's, when smoking was banned from commercial flights. And already: an enviable rage-aholic! Party on!