Tuesday, May 22, 2007

O Flower of Scotland...

Exciting news!

I am an official U.K. citizen!

After years of delays due to paperwork, procrastination, red tape, bureaucracy, lost birth records, and questionable passport photos, The Heathernet goes British!

I found out a few years ago that even though I am American born, since my Dad is a Scotsman, I had the ability to apply for citizenship in the U.K., enabling me to live and work anywhere in the European Union. Yes, tiny Malta, this now includes you! So, I asked my Dad if we could look into this. This proved to be a long and arduous process, involving many forms, photocopies, and the retrieval of countless records, including my Dad's 1937 birth record from Crieff, the second largest city in Perthshire! (For those curious, picturesque Crieff boasts a population of almost 6000 people and has been a holiday destination since the Victorian Era!)

In any case, the point is that after two plus years of effort + waiting, I now possess the coveted BRITISH PASSPORT!

Besides being able to seek employment in hospitable European countries, here are some other things I can do now that I am under the Queen's rule:
  • Write words with their "correct" English spelling: eg. neighbour, colour. Ditto for pronunciation. Aluminium! And, No more silent H for you, "herbs"!
  • And along those lines, increased profanity vocab: Shite. Bugger. Arse. Wanker.
  • Eat meat pies freely without enduring the damning judgment of others. I just like meat in pastry, ok??
  • "Sorry boss, I can't finish that memo for you right now. It's tea time."
  • Finally I can justify having a bagpiper at every special occasion! Future invitations will also encourage kilts.
  • Sing lewd and rowdy rugby songs in the pub with my mates. Initiate/participate in bar fights as necessary.

I'm so excited about my new dual-citizenship status, I couldn't be more chuffed! (You see what I did there?) Fellow Britons, you can now count me among your brethren, you lucky people! Now to await the opportunity to utilise my new all-access-pass across the pond and beyond...

God save the Queen.

Friday, May 18, 2007


The light of a new day is upon us.

The sleepy administration behind the timeworn Jesus Quintana Bowling League is retiring, and stepping up to fill their regulation shoes?

The New Bowling Initiative Coalition of Fun!

I mean, me! And my friends!

At last! We will be privvy to the inner workings of the bowling league and uncover the mysteries and conspiracies of days gone by! No longer will teams be allowed to sandbag their handicaps under the protection of a shady league office! We will be there, illuminating the lanes with our morally upright standards of righteousness! Finally, there will be high-fiving for all!

Team slots are filling up quickly. Our first game is in a few weeks. If you're a bowler, not a shifty-eyed cheater, and have 3 equally enthused pals predisposed to drinking and throwing heavy objects, then perhaps you would be interested in participating? Let me know.

Ah, the promise of a new day. The lanes look shinier already.